There are a million posts discussing people talking to their children. After the election, they have flooded the internet. I had never realized the drastic change in my perspective that my kids have given me. Every decision I make, they are the first thing I think of… simple things like what I order at a restaurant – “Will Brandt eat any of this if I share it?” Hard decisions like ” If we move how will the effect Brandt and Tessa Rae?” I worry about them all the time.
We often tell our kids that they can be anything, I don’t remember being told that, it wasn’t because my parents smashed my dreams. My parents were realistic and they did believe in me. However, I think they also knew that they had to set realistic expectations. I danced my entire childhood, but I wasn’t going to be a Rockette. I always wished my parents pushed me more. I have come to realize that the biggest limitation is myself. I put up imaginary limits with exceptionally high expectations onto myself. Does anyone else do that? Are we sitting here in a constant struggle within ones self to make choices. Are we not dreaming because we know that the practical application of that is beyond our reach.
John always says I am confident. I know that my appearance is that I am a completely confident person, but reality is that I am scared shitless. I hide behind this fear of judgement. The fear that those closest to me with laugh and talk about my failures behind my back. I sit inside this bubble of hopes and dreams limiting myself and telling myself that they are indeed unattainable. Now this didn’t happen overnight… I can contribute a lot of things to specific instances.
I wrote an article for a previous job and it came back bleeding red with edits. So I fear that every person reading this will be noting every missed comma. I can crochet hats and sew damn near anything, but it might not be absolutely perfect so I am scared to sell them. To add-on to that fear, I fear that the photos of the items wont be as high quality as the picture above which my sister took whom has put hours on end perfecting her skill in her style.
I am 32 but the same girl who was teased when I was 12. Scared. Intimidated. Fearing judgement. Why do listen to others opinions so much? Why do people who don’t matter, seem to when they give you negative feedback. Why does negative feedback decapitate me so much. The weather is turning colder, the seasons have changed. Soon we will be in the season of new years resolutions. So I am starting today. I will stop holding myself back. I will put myself out there beyond the few people in my extremely close circle. So I am back with an updated blog… full of hopes, dreams and a few cuss words.